Monday, February 1, 2010

The Worst Day of Frank Cumby's Life







Dear Reader, the following is the first chapter of a short story about a man named Frank Cumby. If there is any demand for a continuation, Frank's story will be completed. If not, he will fade into obscurity, which is probably what Frank would want anyways. He's not a likeable guy, so we both understand if you want him to go away and never come back. Just know that Frank doesn't like you either. Not one little bit.

Chapter 1

Frank Cumby hated his life. He hated every awful second of it. Frank was fifty-two years old but felt twice that, just based on the number of crappy years he could remember. He was always disappointed when he went to bed at night but was way more disappointed when he woke up. Frank had no friends and no family, at least none he ever wanted to see again. His wife had left him years ago. He treated his neighbors like crap, and he treated his coworkers like crap. Frank even found little ways to make sure his pets weren't all that happy. He fed his cat dog food and fed his dog cat food. He fed his goldfish Goldfish snack crackers just for the sick irony. Frank worked in a factory where they had lots of extra packaging material, so every day when he got home from work, he tossed out those little white foam peanuts in his lawn just to watch the birds peck at it and fly away disappointed.

Frank's most despicable habit was throwing empty beer cans at the neighborhood kids who were dumb enough to get within throwing range, and Frank didn’t even drink beer. He just preferred empty beer cans for throwing because they made the stickiest mess when they popped a kid right in back of the head. He knew the little yard apes would go home crying with sticky beer in their hair. He liked to think that the children's parents would say something like: “You smell like a common street drunk! Go to bed without supper and you're grounded for a year and your father will always be disappointed in you.” This was the one hobby that gave Frank a feeling of something close to inner joy. And yes, it was very much a hobby. Frank would pilfer through his drunk neighbor's recyclables several times a week just to get all the Busch and Budweiser ammunition he could find. He only took the cans that still had a little smelly beer left in the bottom. Frank was a mean old bastard.

Frank woke up at 7:21 every morning, which was the last possible minute he could wake up and still make it to his crappy job at “Happy Place Toys” by 8:03. Frank had learned many years ago that the punch-in clock only counted you late if you came in at 8:04 or later. Frank despised his job. He hated it more each of the twenty-one years he had been there. The only thing on this earth he disliked more than his job was children, and he made stupid children’s toys for a living. Well, he didn’t so much make them as just screw the head onto the “Super Turd Action Man” doll that was all the rage at the moment. Or maybe it was Tickle Me Elmo, who knows. It's not as if Frank cared.

But Frank had a secret. And it was a true secret because no person living within five hundred miles of Frank knew his secret. You see, Frank's life was not always a cesspool of filthy habits and bitterness and anger. Twenty-seven years ago, after four years of wonderful marriage to the woman he’d loved since he was old enough to go to the bathroom by himself, Frank found out he was going to be a daddy. He hoped it was a boy. Frank was always fond of the name Matthew. His son's name would be Matthew.

To be continued in Chapter 2…

8 comments:

Johnny said...

if there's not a chapter two, i will proceed to drown every cute animal i can get my grubby fat hands on.

Unknown said...

That sounds like something Frank would say, but I can not condone the harming of cute animals.

Amy Lizzy said...

When do we get Chapter 2?

Chuck said...

Go for Chapter 2. It can't get any worse. (That is for Frank I mean! :)

Joyce Moyer Hostetter said...

Sounds like a candidate for Life's Healing Choices program. Are you thinking of inviting Frank to your small group?

I really want to know what happens next.

Unknown said...

I'm afraid Frank would angrily rant about the mere suggestion of joining a small group, especially one with the words "life" or "healing." I doubt there's much hope for Frank to find joy, but we'll see. I imagine his story will continue this weekend, especially if the author is snowed in again ;)

Anonymous said...

...here's one more person demanding a continuation....

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