Recently, General Motors announced their new "city cars" (see picture above). Or as I like to call them, motorized scooters for two people at once. As I was admiring this new way to avoid walking, I started thinking of other ideas that could save precious calories. By burning fewer calories doing mundane tasks, we free up more energy for doing the things we love, such as: watching TV, eating, and writing dumb blogs. So, without further delay, I present my TOP FIVE INVENTIONS FOR LAZY PEOPLE (SORRY I HIT CAPS LOCK).
5. The Mobile Weenie
Do you love eating delicious hot dogs from the comfort of your couch, but hate getting up, walking to the fridge, boiling the hot dog, and putting mustard on the bun? You are not alone! My invention is a small three-wheeled vehicle which can store up to 11 hot dogs, pre-heated and already on the bun. By using any standard TV remote, you can guide the Mobile Weenie to your couch. A press of the button, and a fresh hot dog is launched at your face. The deluxe Ultra Weenie Package includes a high speed fan which chops your delicious hot dog meal into bite size pieces, then hurls the pieces toward your mouth area. I expect this one will also be a big hit at ball parks, where the annoyance of walking to the concession can stand can burn up to 15 calories. What a wasted effort!
4. Best Buy TV Regeneration
I hope to complete negotiations with Best Buy on this idea soon. The plan is to have Best Buy automatically deliver a new TV to your house whenever new technology arrives every month. Tired of your ho-hum high definition plasma LED TV? Me too! With this service, Best Buy will deliver a hot new 3-D TV to your house, and throw your old one away for you. You don't even have to get off your couch! And the best part is, when they take your old TV away, you will get a coupon for 10% off installation of the new TV! And if you are tired of shopping for movies, the delivery guy will even pick out your movie collection for you....No more tiring decisions. Amazing!
3. The Relationship Accelerator
This handy device is actually a cell phone app that you will be able to download from my website. In order to save all of the energy it takes going on needless dates and having tiring conversations, this program can predict the relationship's chances of success before it even begins! The Relationship Accelerator senses vibes from both people involved, then generates a number. Anything in the 7-10 range indicates that a second date is worth the energy involved. A 4-6 range indicates that you should only pursue a second date if American Idol has ended for the season and you have nothing better to do. But beware that friendship is the likely result. Anything under a 4 isn't worth your energy, even if both people involved feel strongly for each other. You could have dozens of pointless conversations with the other party before you discover what the Relationship Accelerator has already told you! Remember, even small tasks like talking burn unnecessary calories.
2. Rollo
Rollo is one of my most controversial inventions. You know all those moments in between the fun parts of life? Such as: getting out of bed, walking to your car, walking to your couch, walking the dog, etc... I have good news! Rollo is a specially designed modern marvel which looks like a large metal belt around your waste. But, if you say the magic word, "Roll!", little wheels pop out of the belt, a mild electric shock knocks you to the ground, and Rollo takes care of the rest! Now, you can literally roll out of bed...and keep on rolling all the way to your car! Imagine, you are standing in Walmart and you see the last box of double-filled cream cheese pastries all the way on aisle 15. While all the losers around you are walking, you will collapse onto your face and start rolling all the way to that delicious confectionery treat! Watch as shoppers around you stare in envy and laugh in delight at the awesomeness that is you!
1. Internet Shopping
I am ordering some books off Amazon.com to research if this kind of thing has been attempted before.
