Friday, August 24, 2007

A Thought to Replace My Life

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"Even if I come back, even if I die
Is there some idea to replace my life?"

(Sufjan Stevens, from the album Michigan)


Imagine that your life has been removed from this earth in every way, even your name and the memory of you. No one will ever know that you lived. What would the world be missing? Is there some thought to completely replace your life? Is there something hidden in you, in the deepest part of your soul, that makes you different from anyone else in the universe? Is there something that you could provide this planet, that could not be replaced?

If so, is that part of us not worth celebrating? Do we honestly believe that a magnificent, mysterious, incomparable God would appreciate His children willingly falling into a standard mold? Do all Christians in the New Testament fall into one idea, one thought? Our true uniqueness is part of what makes us human. If I ever feel that my life could be easily replaced by a million similar lives, I have only myself to blame. I was created with a unique mind, heart, and soul. I was created to serve an awesome God, but I was never told what the essence of my life would be. What makes me tick? How do I love God? Why do I love other people? How do I show His grace? How do I search for truth? How do I deal with the doubts which surely assault any person who believes in something they will never get to see or touch? How will I ever find a purpose in this life if I never know who I am?
Who am I?

If I surrender on the lifelong search for these answers, there likely will be a thought to replace my life.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Open Door

















The door was flung open wide,
Almost as if there was nothing to hide.

Outside was a crazy earth,
A place with as much death as there was birth.

For every road that went up a mound,
There was another that went back down.

No one seemed to know which way was right,
We all shared in the insane plight!

We oft' wondered if anyone had a plan,
With our backs turned to the Son of Man.







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Thursday, August 9, 2007

Even

Even if I am the only one,
I will live,
In the light of the Son.

Even in spite of me,
He will try,
To make these two eyes see.

Even when it's hopeless,
Lives will grow,
In all our planet's mess.

Even as we hate Him,
He will show,
How our globe has gone dim.

Even on the tree,
He bled,
Oh my God I am free!

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

The Nerves Unending (Or, Burning in the Light of Day)

Rather accidentally, I have taken a third-person approach to life over the last 6 months or so. I have observed my family, my friends, and mostly myself. It has not been very healthy, but this distant approach to my own life and my own thoughts has led me to a conclusion.

We live with exposed nerves. More than that, we live to keep those nerves hidden. Endless, raw nerves, always threatening to expose us for who we really are. In my (accidental) observations, I have been made aware that even in our earnest attempts to present our true selves, we are only exposing what we think other humans can handle. If I trust you, you get an arm's worth of nerves. If you are my life's partner, maybe two arms. But the rest....I will keep the rest to myself. And it wears us out. A life spent hiding is tiresome.

Considering my hidden self has led to a lot of thought about daylight and its relation to our lives, our secrets. Do any of us ever live in the revealing glow of full daylight? Do we really want to? Is it moral, safe, or even possible to live the way we feel we are meant to? Are those feelings placed into our beating hearts by divine intervention, or are they broken human emotions? Sometimes I feel like life is a dark cycle of living in the shadows, where my nerves are hidden, with random moments where my true self rears his ugly head.

It is terrifying to imagine living life in daylight. Everything exposed. Nothing to hide. Nothing to be ashamed of. As long as no one really knows us, they can more easily ignore us. And when we hurt, part of us wants to be ignored. Every time someone notices our pain, we have two choices: give a sanitized version of our broken life, or risk it all with the real story. Our lives can become like the "popcorn news" we see on tv. There is some basic truth there, but all that truly matters is hidden for the benefit of the viewer. In some ways, It seems that protecting others from the mangled mess of our lives is the most gracious and selfless act we will ever know.

Perhaps God keeps us from exposing our fragile nerves to protect us from the backlash of cruel human nature. Are we designed to live in the complete freedom of the daylight, or is it supposed to burn a little?

Did you hear the news today?
I'm not coming home
No
And I wished it all away
I felt so alone
And the darkness crept it's way
Like stars we know will die too soon
There is never any sunrise here
In the shadows of eclipsing moons
Crawling on a tightrope
The bravest thing I have is hope

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, tonight

Halogen the lights will flicker
Incandescent burning lies
And the silence stands for nothing
Desperate I search the skies
Aching for a spark
Trembling in pitchest dark

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, tonight


(Brave Saint Saturn, "Daylight.")